My Drug of Choice.

Hi, I have no clue as to why I think that this (blogging) is going to help me during this process but I figure...what the heck?!  So here is the back story...My name is Amanda.  Hi :) I was born and raised down on the Florida beaches and currently live in the same town where I was raised.  Its stunning and I am so thankful that God has blessed me enough to live in this area. Anywho, back to the story...I graduated from FSU (Go Noles!) a handful of years ago and since my Junior year in college, I have been dating who I thought was the love of my life...until 2 weeks ago tonight.  Two weeks ago is when I decided that not only do I deserve someone that loves me as much as I love them but I decided that I was strong enough to stand up for myself and leave the only thing that I knew.  Seems like it would be common sense but I think that we can all say that we have "been there, done that"...staying in a relationship wayyyy too damn long because you were afraid of what else is out there.

Anyways, I have been doing just fine and have not even shed a tear since the Monday after the break-up.  But then there are nights like tonight when I just am sad.  Understandable but I would rather just not have nights like this.  I start thinking about what he is doing and if he has already replaced me with someone...then I have to remind myself... YOU DON'T WANT THAT!!!  He is not the one for me and I know that...I broke up with him because he is not the person that I could see myself having a successful marriage with and he did not treat me with the respect that I deserve.  Even if he has already had a stupid fling with someone, I can't care - it proves nothing.  If I was to continue to put on a happy face and stay with him just to not be alone then I would ultimately be more alone then when I started.  Does any of this make any sense?  I am talking in circles and just hope that my point in coming across. 

Which leads me to...Why is it that if I say any of my girlfriends in a relationship like this that I would be so quick to say...you deserve better yada yada but when it comes to me...I am just like...well its fine.  Now I don't want to give any illusions as to how I was "disrespected".  He played games with my head and he knew it.  I did everything for him.  Everything from writing his final college papers so that he would graduate, to writing his resume and applying for jobs on his behalf so he could have a successful career, surprised him with clothes and gifts to make him feel special on a day that he was feeling down, cooked dinners on a nightly basis just in case he wanted to eat with me...pathetic.  I feel like shit even admitting to this crap.  But regardless, I would do it all again because I am that type of person...I like to do things for people but I tend to get walked on.  Example: I do all these nice things for him and all I want in return is some time to spend together and he couldn't even give me that.  He would give excuse after excuse as to why he didn't "have time" yet he could make time to run every other morning and workout for 2+ hours every night. So...I would get so close to ending it then he would do something to string me back in...he was my drug of choice.

So throughout this whole process and feeling more and more distant from him..he accepted his annual "weekend job" where he travels to a different college football games to set up cooling systems on the sidelines. This put even more of a strain on the already weak relationship.  But now that I look back, I feel that this was God's way of letting me detach.  He (God) knew that I could not end it alone so he gave me time to pull away with him being away every weekend.  I mean we are talking, I was having to practically beg him to see me during the week...pathetic.  A respectable girl with class should NEVER have to do this...embarrassing. So all of a sudden I just had enough...and ended our 5+ year relationship.  He was hysterical, as was I, but I know he wanted this too and is just not mature enough for a girl like me.  So now I am here.  Alone.  But so not alone...I have the most amazing family and friends all holding my hand during this process. 

So enough background... please feel free to join me on the wonderful world of dating.  Yippe! (insert: straight face). Hopefully in the mix of all the bad ones, a few pull through and hopefully I make it to the finish line (God willing) with one lucky man. I look forward to sharing this crazy journey with who ever wants to go along with me and feel free to send any possible suitors my way ;)

xoxo,

A.