You don't deserve my tears...I guess that's why they aren't there!

This song describes it perfectly...

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

[Chorus]

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh I will never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Lyrics By: Beyonce - "Best Thing I Never Had"
_______________________________________________

Ya'll seriously...is that song not the most perfect thing ever for a breakup that is saving you from being miserable for the rest of your life or what?!

So tonight I asked my best girlfriend (who is a therapist for living, how convenient) why am I not crying..I have begun to worry that this is some weird copping mechanism.  After talking to her about it, I have come to the realization that I am just a hell of a lot stronger than I could have ever imagined.  She helped me discover that I had already prepared myself for this well before the actual "break-up".  For example: I cried multiple times a week leading up to the breakup, since then...once and it was the day after the breakup.  As much as I understand this concept, it doesn't seem normal!   

What I am still struggling with is the thought of him with another girl..I know that I have mentioned this before but it is just something that stays in my head.  He hates being alone so therefore it makes me believe that even though he says he doesn't want to get involved with someone else, I think he will just for the companionship and to sleep with her, to be a matter of fact.  So lets hope that this passes in time and when I become involved with someone else.  I don't want to be jealous...I will just want to kill any and all women that come within 5 feet of him :) hahaha  

"Mixed Bag of Tricks" Day

Mondays have become a mixed bag of tricks kind of day as of late.  Its the 1st day of every week that I see my ex post weekend.  Yep, you read that correctly...I get to see him every.single.day of the week from M-F.  We workout at the same gym and we both workout (almost) everyday.  I know this sounds pretty crazy but I actually think that it has been kind of making this transition a little easier.  But I will definitely admit that it makes my heart drop when I see his car in the parking lot or when I see him across the gym.  Kind of like today.

First of all, he never beats me to the gym.  I get dressed before leaving work and go straight from the office.  So today I pull up and his shiny fire engine red pick-up work truck is sitting there in the parking lot.  My heart flipped.  I was not prepared for him to be there before me because normally I have about until 6:00 to amp myself up before I see his reflection in the mirror (Side note: I take classes every night and the stretching area is right behind the glass doors of the classroom and that is why I see his reflection in the mirror).  Anyways, after I got over the fact that he beat me to the gym and I had to quickly prepare to see him...he was no where in sight.  Thank God - kind of. I was kind of paranoid when I could not find him but I quickly got over that as my instructor preceded to kick my ass.  So I got through my class just fine and saw him in his usual spot as I was leaving.  Patted him on the back and waved to his friends.  And walked away...

Simple as that.  Tomorrow will be the same thing all over again.  Joy.

My Drug of Choice.

Hi, I have no clue as to why I think that this (blogging) is going to help me during this process but I figure...what the heck?!  So here is the back story...My name is Amanda.  Hi :) I was born and raised down on the Florida beaches and currently live in the same town where I was raised.  Its stunning and I am so thankful that God has blessed me enough to live in this area. Anywho, back to the story...I graduated from FSU (Go Noles!) a handful of years ago and since my Junior year in college, I have been dating who I thought was the love of my life...until 2 weeks ago tonight.  Two weeks ago is when I decided that not only do I deserve someone that loves me as much as I love them but I decided that I was strong enough to stand up for myself and leave the only thing that I knew.  Seems like it would be common sense but I think that we can all say that we have "been there, done that"...staying in a relationship wayyyy too damn long because you were afraid of what else is out there.

Anyways, I have been doing just fine and have not even shed a tear since the Monday after the break-up.  But then there are nights like tonight when I just am sad.  Understandable but I would rather just not have nights like this.  I start thinking about what he is doing and if he has already replaced me with someone...then I have to remind myself... YOU DON'T WANT THAT!!!  He is not the one for me and I know that...I broke up with him because he is not the person that I could see myself having a successful marriage with and he did not treat me with the respect that I deserve.  Even if he has already had a stupid fling with someone, I can't care - it proves nothing.  If I was to continue to put on a happy face and stay with him just to not be alone then I would ultimately be more alone then when I started.  Does any of this make any sense?  I am talking in circles and just hope that my point in coming across. 

Which leads me to...Why is it that if I say any of my girlfriends in a relationship like this that I would be so quick to say...you deserve better yada yada but when it comes to me...I am just like...well its fine.  Now I don't want to give any illusions as to how I was "disrespected".  He played games with my head and he knew it.  I did everything for him.  Everything from writing his final college papers so that he would graduate, to writing his resume and applying for jobs on his behalf so he could have a successful career, surprised him with clothes and gifts to make him feel special on a day that he was feeling down, cooked dinners on a nightly basis just in case he wanted to eat with me...pathetic.  I feel like shit even admitting to this crap.  But regardless, I would do it all again because I am that type of person...I like to do things for people but I tend to get walked on.  Example: I do all these nice things for him and all I want in return is some time to spend together and he couldn't even give me that.  He would give excuse after excuse as to why he didn't "have time" yet he could make time to run every other morning and workout for 2+ hours every night. So...I would get so close to ending it then he would do something to string me back in...he was my drug of choice.

So throughout this whole process and feeling more and more distant from him..he accepted his annual "weekend job" where he travels to a different college football games to set up cooling systems on the sidelines. This put even more of a strain on the already weak relationship.  But now that I look back, I feel that this was God's way of letting me detach.  He (God) knew that I could not end it alone so he gave me time to pull away with him being away every weekend.  I mean we are talking, I was having to practically beg him to see me during the week...pathetic.  A respectable girl with class should NEVER have to do this...embarrassing. So all of a sudden I just had enough...and ended our 5+ year relationship.  He was hysterical, as was I, but I know he wanted this too and is just not mature enough for a girl like me.  So now I am here.  Alone.  But so not alone...I have the most amazing family and friends all holding my hand during this process. 

So enough background... please feel free to join me on the wonderful world of dating.  Yippe! (insert: straight face). Hopefully in the mix of all the bad ones, a few pull through and hopefully I make it to the finish line (God willing) with one lucky man. I look forward to sharing this crazy journey with who ever wants to go along with me and feel free to send any possible suitors my way ;)

xoxo,

A.